Me and my boyfriend of 2 years broke up - he was my first love, my heart is broken and I feel like I won't ever be able to date again, what do I do?
GIRL. GET UP.
There are times when you are going to be sad, happy, relieved, pissed, sad again, then fucking angry. Feel those feelings. Reunite with some old friends. Go outside. Watch movies. Seek out new music. Draw. Piss on a tree. Honestly, dogs are pretty happy so maybe that’s the secret. Try to bake some fancy shit. Wear some ugly-ass pajamas. Enjoy this time with yourself.
Unfollow him from all social media and DON’T try to get in touch with him. It’ll only make you feel worse. Even if you agreed on being friends just give it time and it’ll happen if it’s supposed to. Don’t let him take advantage of you just so he can stop feeling sorry for himself.
You will date again. Try again when you’re ready and don’t fuck with other people when you still feel broken. Two years is a long time to invest in someone else so don’t feel like you have to get over it overnight. Your first love is a great experience and hopefully you’ve learned a great deal on what makes you happy and what you deserve in a relationship.
You will love again and you will absolutely be loved. I’m sure you have some pretty great friends that can show you a good time so fucking take them up on it. Enjoy the shit out of now and this time where you can be by yourself.
EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE. BELIEVE IT.
If you need me, I’ll be here. Pissing the night away.
I've had anxiety for a long time now but lately it's been getting so bad that I've had to leave in the middle of class and I'm starting to get more anxious than normal around my friends and I have no idea why. I want to go to the doctors about it but my parents don't support that and are convinced that I'm going to be put on some kind of drug. I'm old enough to go alone but I don't know if I can. Advice?
This is a dating blog so I’m not entirely sure I’m qualified to give advice on these types of questions…
But I will say- it would be best to talk to a professional about it. You (and your parents) can explain your concerns about medications. If this is impacting your every day life, it’s best to take care of it now before it gets any worse!
In the mean time I hope you can look up some more natural approaches to help get it under control. There are many online resources including the mayo clinic….
My best friend lost her virginity before i did and now i'm 20, virginal AND i have one more reason to feel miserable. What do i do, start up a tumblr account to drain all the useless shit that goes through my head everyday? Stick a funnel up my butt and hope it'll make things feel right? Go emo or whatever's next? Stop watching art porn? WHAT ALLISON WHAT DO I DO?!
Oh hey A-Nom,
That’s nothing to be upset about it. Tina Fey didn’t lose her virginity until she was 48 and look how successful she is!
Swiping you v-card is only big deal if you make it one. Is that terrible advice? I don’t know. But taking the pressure off of it is gonna make your life easier and the lives of people around your easier. Just ask any of my friends- I text them nonstop that I’m about to sit on a fence. Or a sprinkler. Or an ice tray. Never a funnel in my butt though- that’s a new one. Imma text them that right now and see what happens!
Bottom line- don’t trip, potato chip! You can go emo or whatever but no one wants to bone that. Just bide your time with things you actually enjoy with people you enjoy and it’ll happen when it’s supposed to.
AND WHEN THAT TIME COMES BE SAFE ABOUT IT.
Hope that helps. Also, art porn sounds fucking terrible so cut that shit out.
Lemme know when it works out! Or don’t that might be weird.
My best guy frand and I started dating and it was wonderful. Then he drunkenly hooked up with some girl and told me he couldn't date me anymore because he never had any feelings to begin with and just felt safe because he knew that I liked him enough to make things work. Worth it to try and fix our friendship? I've moved on at this point, mostly. But the whole thing just sucks a lot. We were super close even before dating. Ugh sad face
Oh hello Ugh Sad Face!
First off, I’m very sorry your friend is a dick. He’s a dick with dick for a brain. He’s a dumb dick that thinks with his dick. He’s a dumb dick that doesn’t care about anyone or anything other than his dick. He’s absolutely trying to suck his own dick right now, probably on a yoga mat. Maybe on a floor cushion? Definitely while listening to John Mayer, cuz that’s grade A dick sucking music.
I’m sorry he made you feel safe and then threw you out like you were garbage. You are not garbage. He’s going to continue to do this to people because he only has the capacity to think with his tiny prick. It’s not your issue, it’s his. Maybe eventually you can be friends (once he gets his dick out of that jar of peanut butter) but for the time being, move on. He’s not worthy of your friendship. The wonderful thing is you’ve already begun to! You will find someone that is worth your time and knows how to treat you and has the ability to think with a brain and not his dick. So turn that sad face into a fucking big ass smiley face! Cuz bitch, that piece of shit just saved you a lot of time!
I'm bored as balls and started dating this guy who I'm not totally into, but have no other prospects. I guess you could call him a "sure thing." Is it ok to continue until something better comes up? Will this only lead to bad things?
Man Anonymous, you asked me this months ago and I didn’t respond. I’m just as bad as the “sure thing!” For sure you already dated him and got bored, or you are engaged. Those are the only two plausible options. Ho man you’re gonna feel real stoopid if you’re engaged now! Haahahahaha shoots. Don’t invite me to your wedding cuz I’ll totally bring this up in my speech!
In the future don’t waste your time. Everything is only going to be on your terms and you’re going to feel guilty when it ends. You’re young so spend your time doing the stuff and people that you enjoy. Maybe I’m just a bitch but you can’t convince yourself to fall for someone; you’ll just be wasting everyone’s time.
But on a serious note can you believe I made Amanda Bynes’ photo this profile picture before she started going FUCKING CRAZY?!?! Talk about shit leading to bad things!
Is it ok to date a "comedian" who isn't that funny? I really like him in every other aspect but when it comes to lolz he leaves much to be desired.
WHOA A QUESTION! I haven’t updated in months!! I’d love to tell you that I’ve been so busy shooting a movie in Morocco with Ryan Gosling or trying to cover up my Emma Stone murder but neither of those are true. Yet. I pretty much just forgot about this blog. I’ve also been preoccupied tweeting at Cher but she WON’T EVER TWEET ME BACK. But apparently the internet is still a thing so everything is going to be alright.
But none of this is what you asked in the first place. So let’s get into that shall we?
WOOF. An unfunny comedian? Would you date and accountant that couldn’t add? A dentist with fucked up teeth? A pizza maker that puts dumb shit on your pizza*? PROBABLY NOT (*I love sausage but get that shit off of my fuckin’ pizza!)
However, assuming he’s a really nice guy and reliable and thoughtful and caring and doesn’t make you go to all of his 12am open mic shows it could still work! Who knows! Your funny could rub off on him or his sense of humor could grow on you! If you don’t piss yourself from laughing every time he tells a joke, IT’S OK. If you love spending time with him, fuck it! That’s what’s important. But if he’s the asshole that’s still quoting Anchorman AND blowing you off all the time, kick his tiny dick to the curb. No one loves lamp that much.
Yours truly (or until the next time I forget about this blog,)
It’s like daring the universe to keep you from achieving happiness for the rest of your life. “If I say this out loud, there’s no way it’ll ACTUALLY come true, right?” Fuck you. The universe doesn’t owe you shit. You don’t have to go out and The Secret your way through life, loudly proclaiming, “I…
How long should you hold on to your ex's nipple clamps? They're perfectly good clamps, just no nipples to clamp 'em to.
No need to toss those! May I suggest just finding some extra nips laying around? There are plenty of options out there, you just have to keep your eyes open!
Perhaps visit a petting zoo. There’s always some (as I say, “Herbie Fully Loaded”) goats around. Heck, you will need to buy more nipple clamps if you start there! Other good places include a dog park, a bus stop; even a 24-hour Subway. Los Angeles is full of people and animals waitin’ to get clamped, so don’t limit yourself! You deserve to find a nipple or two.
No need to be sad, Sad Guys! Get your nip search on! And don’t forget, you guys will always have each other!
All of my relationships started after we were already having sex, and when I date a guy beforehand it rarely goes beyond three dates before I'm over them. Am I destined to only date those I've already fucked? And am i missing out by not dating before fucking?
WHOA WHOA WHOA.
First of all, congrats! You got a space between yo’ legs and you ain’t afraid to use it.
But listen lady, are you using sex to control the relatsch? (sp?) (sassy sp?) I’m thinking you think it’s safer to sleep with someone before your get emotionally attached and then you toss them when you’re done with them. Or you think that these guys will stick around if you sleep with them first? They will for a little bit but then they’ll split like J Lo and that Skeletor man. Then you’ll have to be like her and move on to dating a younger, Latino Leave it to Beaver! Is Casper Smart Latino? I’m not sure what he is. All I know is he’s ugly as FUCK.
I think you need to decide that you either just want to bang or you want to date. There’s nothing wrong with getting your freak on just as long as you both understand what the terms of it are. You never say “I wish I had slept with him sooner” with someone you really like. You only regret sleeping with someone too soon. Or if you use mustard as lube. You’ll eventually find that guy that you want to date AND sleep with. In the mean time buy a dildo!
Hey there! My friends say they notice guys flirting with me, but I never see it. As in I never notice guys hitting on me. At all. Ever. Are my friends crazy, or am I? Or are there telltale signs I'm missing?
BITCH YOU CRAZY.
I’m assuming your friends are also crazy, but trust yo’ girls. As long as these guys aren’t calling you swamp thang or vomiting when you walk into the room, they most likely are hitting on you.
Can I make another assumption that you are in the improv community? If that’s true, get used to not knowing if a dude is hitting on you. Being hit on in the comedy arena is like trying to get a child to tell you if they’ve swallowed a battery. THEY DON’T WANT TO DO IT. Did that analogy stick? Probably not. But these comedy guys are no doubt trying to hit on you yet are so inhibited by their own insecurities that their advances seem like just simple, everyday conversations about boners or how they got “SOOO drunk last night” and “can’t remember peeing on an electric fence.” You know, because of all the electric fences in Hollywood? And if you’re not in improv THIS CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENED.
If a guy is hitting on you in general, he’s looking for any opportunity to (respectfully) touch you, he will offer up information about himself, and he will ask you about yourself while carrying most of the conversation. Don’t be that friend that’s twirling her hair saying, “WHAAAT? HE’S HITTING ON ME?? BUT I’M SUCH A TROLL” because you’re not a troll. YOU’RE A GODDESS. Just like my razor tells me I am.
Lady L asked: I usually dress pretty frumpy on the reg. But like what date number is it cool to dress down for? I've been dressing up for the first three and I'm over it.
Dear Lady L-
THAT BLOWS. Bitch, you already set the bar too high! As a real life Frumplestilskin myself, by date three I’m already wearing a cat sweatshirt. It’s also a great conversation starter because it has a picture of a really fat cat and says, “LARGE AND IN CHARGE” and on the back is the picture of the cat’s backside. BUT I DIGRESS.
I’d say ease into it. If you keep seeing this asshole chances are he’s gonna get the know the frump that covers the rump reaaaaaaaal good so he better get used to it now. Start off wearing that beige grandma sweater and move into those (if appropriate for your body type) harem pants. Pretty soon you’ll be able to be wearing just a poncho! And isn’t that why any of us date in the first place?
Granted I’m saying this to a website devoted to women’s issues, but pandering aside, it always feels like an easy cop out to say “women aren’t funny” especially if as an audience member you never seek out new and different comedians but rather wait for somebody to present you with a list of comics that you should like.
With that said, here is a list of some comics you should like: Jen Kirkman, Maria Bamford, Samantha Bee, Laura Swisher, Sarah Silverman, Laura Silverman, Charlyne Yi, Susan Burke, Wendy Molyneux, Lizzie Molyneux, Ali Wong, Michelle Buteau, The Reformed Whores, Jessi Klein, Marina Franklin, Joselyn Hughes, Kulap Vilaysack, Sara Schaefer, Garfunkel & Oates, Liz Miele, Amanda Sitko, Sara Benincasa, Janeane Garofalo, Ann Maddox, Nasim Pedrad, Arden Myrin, Tami Sagher, Rachel Axler, Kristen Schaal, Liz Feldman, Nefetari Spencer, Morgan Murphy, Lindsey Stoddard, Betsy Thomas, Suzy Nakamura, Michelle Biloon, Stephanie Escajeda, Lesley Tsina, Laura Krafft, Allison Silverman, Garland Testa, Christy Stratton Mann, Mo Collins, Kate Flannery, Betty Cahill, Mindy Kaling, Angela Kinsey, Jiwon Lee, Jenny Slate, Emily Maya Mills, Jamie Denbo, Jessica Chaffin, Hallie Haglund, Jo Miller, Roberta Valderrama, Jill Baum, Sara Taksler, Tig Notaro, Lauren Sarver, Monica Padrick, Sarah Walker, Danielle Schneider, Dannah Feinglass, Daisy Rosario, Amy Schumer, Casey Wilson, Blair Butler, Amy Ozols, Michaela Watkins, Melinda Hill, Natasha Leggero, Amy Poehler.
These are all comedians I’ve been fortunate enough to work with who also happen to be “cursed with fallopian tubes.” There are more I could name, but there are honestly too many to remember.
YAYAYA you go girl!!! YOU DESERVE IT!
Wyatt Cenac is great and I am very touched to be on his list.
I wasn’t in New York at the time myself, but I’ve heard on numerous occasions that after the towers fell on 9/11, many UCB people immediately congregated at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. That was just where they thought to go; it was second nature for them to walk in that direction. And…